The “C” Word That Saved Me
One defeated and self-deprecating afternoon 18 years ago (with 55 “extra” lbs on my body) I found myself imagining, with my hyper-creative skills, “ways that I could lose the weight:” The idea popped into my head that I would surely get skinny if I had cancer. I'd seen the stock photos of chemo patients online and it seemed quick, efficient and I was at the point psychologically where I would rather face death than consider that I might never be skinny otherwise.
I was also attracted to the idea that I would be cared for, and that anyone who had ever “done me wrong” would surely feel badly and regret their mistakes knowing that I was dying. That seemed like the ultimate prize.
As quickly as the idea came in, I scurried it out. But then it came back again. And again.
Click here to read our latest article published in Radiance Wellness Magazine [Los Angeles] or continue reading here.
Ultimately, I lost the weight (largely as a result of a parasitic infection from bad crab in Vietnam). But, the phrase, “You'll be sorry when you find out I'm dying,” made a regular appearance in my mind when I faced conflict in relationships.
Not surprisingly - my dream became a reality 12 years later when I was informed that I had the “C” word;
And it was nothing like I had imagined.
Some of my closest loved-ones disapproved of how I chose to heal my body. And within two weeks of the diagnosis, full-blown PTSD kicked in - leaving me isolated, terrified and once-again defeated.
Cancer didn't fix my problems. It magnified them.
It opened the Pandora's Box of all of my pain, inner-conflict and emotional negligence. It showed me my anxious-attachment style co-dependencies, my hatred for myself and my body, and my innate feeling that“Everyone would be a whole lot less miserable if I wasn't here.”
And thank GOD.
Because just like a low-grade infection that ultimately wreaks havoc on the body, these low-grade fears and feelings had been wreaking havoc on my relationship with myself and everyone around me LONG before they made a home in my body temple.
Had I been eating organic, exercising and regulating my stress? No. But the same was true for many of my friends in their mid-30s and they didn't have cancer.
I felt sick long before I was sick.
And that was the most painful and shameful feeling truth I was being called to accept.
Ouch. This was gonna be hard. Feelings felt so foreign to me at this point, as I hadn't allowed myself to feel much of anything in years.
The habit of invalidating my own feelings (self-gaslighting) began in late elementary school for me. Being the “new kid” in school made me the target of a grade-wide bullying scheme that lasted years and erupted one afternoon in the play-yard when my primal defense mechanisms took over: I went out of body and found myself clawing at a male classmate until his shirt ripped and I had caused him to bleed.
My genuinely loving family's reaction to my school suspension wasn't counseling or any form of protection (I tell myself this was “generational” to make myself feel better). But, they did offer love, affection - and this advice:
“Ignore them, Rachel; That's the only way they'll leave you alone.”
And you wanna know what 10-year-old me heard in that conversation?
“It's your fault .You deserve this. There's something innately wrong with you.”
So I did my best to fix the problem that was - me. I ignored the bullies. But they didn't stop. So, I began ignoring my feelings. ANYTHING but face the horrific shame of crying to my family again without having fixed myself. And when the feelings kept knocking on my door, I told them “you don't really feel that way; you're just being dramatic.”
GOD I wish I knew then what I know now. Touch your hand on your heart if you feel me?
The human mind is programmed to make sense out of things (even when things are senseless and cannot be rationalized). For this reason, even as a small child when I experienced these repetitive traumatic events – to make sense of the trauma - I created that I deserved to experience it. That I had it coming to me. And as a result of being traumatized over time, my emotional growth and maturation was stunted.
So, when the cancer diagnosis hit at 34-years-old, I again defaulted to the core belief: it's my fault. To my mind, it felt less terrifying to create blame, shame and guilt than it did to “not know.”
I am now in my forties - and a bucking young lass!
I found my way through emotionally by giving cancer the voice I never gave myself - by asking it, “What are you feeling? How can I support you? How I can make you feel safe?”
The first response I received when I tuned into the voice of cancer was, “I feel like everyone is against me.” Hundreds of responses came after in the years to follow, from “I feel trapped” to “I feel so alone.”
Eventually, I began to feel HONORED to be there for cancer.
In fact, I chose to love cancer. And I still do.
Through loving cancer I find the strength to love every “unwanted” part of me. It is a life-long choice: one that I make even when I fail - and even when I disappoint and upset myself.
The “C” word saved me by not only giving me the chance to love the most important person in my life – but by leading me to the awareness of a gift that I had always had: clairaudience (clear hearing).
It turns out that in giving cancer a voice I had opened the door to discover that I could give everything that exists a voice. I began distinguishing my deceased grandmother's protective counseling, the whispers of the trees, the consciousness of money, the truth of The Creator of All That Is and the ever growing voice inside of me that had been quieted for so long. And you know what she finally said?
“There was never anything wrong with me.”
